1. I'm starting to think that a full year may be too long to stay in Henniker.
2. I'm starting to think that month long leases are good ideas, especially when you have a sudden desire to flee to a new state, new life.
3. Maybe I'm really more gypsy than I thought. Who knows. Take what you can, give nothing back.
4. I've been a bit unstable of late, emotionally all over the place. I used to be so solid. I could handle anything and just handle. Once upon a time I could handle. I think these swings are because I continually find myself handed the things I want, and after deciding I am happiest I've ever been... they leave. Or they are taken. And a torrent of confusion and shame and embarrassment are loosed into my heart and I want to forget it ever happened. There was a perfect apartment, now taken from us. There was a once in a life time opportunity... he left. I'm afraid I feel too much too hard.
5. I work in town at a little restaurant where I'm enjoying myself more than I should.
6. Still no license but there will be.
7. Anxiety is an excellent diet.
8. I have a new nephew and can't wait to meet him.

Why do all of my classes have to watch sad movies at the same time? I get FAR too emotionally invested, then I end up feeling like a wreck because I can't cry in class but I want to.
It's supposed to snow today, what the fajita? I'm really angry about that.
And I drempt about him last night. I woke up in an odd mood.
It's just been such a great morning.

I've finished all finals, and now am moved (just about) into my mother's condo in Saco. It's nice, it's cozy. I like cozy. There's still some work to be done (cleaning) but it will get done.
It's lonely though. Rikki isn't here yet and that is all that makes it lonesome, because as soon as she's here it'll be better. Mom got a new puppy to replace the dead dog, so it's very nice to have a pet again. And she informed me that we can set up the treadmill in the garage so I can start working out again. Sweet.
I filled out two applications for work today, and hopefully these opportunities will pan out because they are nice and close so I can walk to work. Also it's a pet store and movie gallery, and I would really enjoy working in either of those establishments.
I never really have anything to do so I've started doing massive amounts of laundry in my spare time, which is all the time. It's rad. I enjoy doing laundry. I'm also drinking alot of coffee. I got a Pom drink so I could use the glass and cap to make my own iced coffee, thanks Mercedes for the wonderful idea.
Graduation was pleasant, but so many people, important people, are leaving and I most likely won't see some of them again. It's sad.
I need to start writing again but I've been out of it. I'll get to it, I'm pretty sure.

There's a bumpersticker on facebook that says something along the lines of "don't talk to me right now I'm thinking about Twilight". I think that happens to me often.
Behind me is an old man sitting at a computer and he looks like the crypt keeper. I swear, this man should be in a home. He looks like my dead grampa just got out of the grave and dug up to the surface to bother everyone with stories about going around outside without his walker. My friend Tim is sitting next to him, Tim with the rad porn-stache. I swear this kid should be a rock star, don't even care if his band sucks because he's such a cool son of a gun. I'm glad he's been in my classes this year because I never see him out side of them.
Speaking of boys, I just got terribly distracted. Oops. T.A.D.D.
The other night I had a dream about a really tall brittish kid that I don't know at all and in my dream he was really fat and out of shape and I was dissapointed, also it was halloween and me and him and a group of other guys were all waiting for the morning in this weird dungeon-esque basement that had a fire that didn't keep us warm enough. And we were on a lake and it was cold. I must have been really cold that night. So we were all waiting for morning because the guys were going to kill someone, and when it was finally morning I announced that I was joining them and they didn't want me to because I'm obnoxious, but I told them I was going because they stayed in my house and they could fuck off, so then we were about to leave and I woke up. I was out of sorts that morning.
I have the really wierd habit of watching one movie over the course of a few days. It took me from friday until sunday night to finish The Count of Monte Cristo, and it's not like I don't want to watch it, I just get distracted and bored and decide life would be easier if I paused it and went to sleep and then watched it in the morning while I was getting ready for whatever. So that's what I do, but now I have Juno in and I can't finish it until maybe tonight if I'm lucky. By lucky I mean not falling asleep on my way up the stairs.
I have one more FAST program class and one more meeting with my case manager and then I'm in the clear, nothing will be on my record. I just wonder if I should lie if people ask if I've been arrested, or if I should say yes and let my clear record speak for itself...
I am just about done with finals. Just need to print out a few things, and to get one final and write it up over the weekend. I'm stoked to have so much free time and no classes. I'll get to pack and clean and do laundry... I love doing laundry. It's cleansing for me. Wash out all the dirt and fold and organize. I'm pretty sure I tell everyone about that, so sorry if I'm repeating myself.

It's finally very very nice outside so I'm consequently super tired. As in I can't handle the heat so I need a nap in the middle of the day. How sad.
It's also almost at the end of the semester and I'm very very excited for summer because two of my friend may be staying with me in Saco for it. That is tres bien for I cannot make it without at least one of them.
It's going to thunderstorm and I don't have a coat. Wooops.
I think I should start writing again, but I keep forgetting my notebook and also I started crocheting so that's awful distracting. The good thing is by the end of the day I may have a new hat. I like instant gratification. And it's not like I have writer's block, I just keep forgetting to put it down because I'm a scatterbrained person. I have practically the entire storyline in my mind and yet have not put it anywhere. There are so many things I want to say that I get impatient and just don't do anything.
Also, I want Breaking Dawn to come out right now. Right now right now. Or for Twilight to be in theatres immediately. Is that too much to ask?
Also California was wonderful. The trip was a trip, as in there was maybe 7 hours of sleep in about 72 hours and it was madness. We stayed up all night and got to watch the sun come up over the mountains in Colorado, then drove through Utah and it was so beautiful, that is where my spirit belongs I'm pretty certain. It's the closest to the sky I've ever felt.
Staying with Michelle one night was fine but the place was a bit crowded so I went to stay with my friend Arizona and he lives in Orange County so it was a dream come true. He's a great kid, and his family was so welcoming. I loved it there. Plus he took me to Venice beach and I got to be in Dog Town and say I've been there. Amazing.
On the topic of work I'm caught up just about, just have two finals to do and I'm done with working for school ever again until next summer. That's exciting.

Well, let's see.

I've got an enormous ammount of work to do that I've been putting off and probubly will continue to do so until I get back from California.
I'm going to California on a road trip with my best friend from home. It's a weekend trip. Yes, laugh. I'm looking forward to the stress I'll be feeling. Not.
What else is there to say? I'm looking forward to not feeling like my chest is folding in on itself. At some point it doesn't hurt anymore, I believe this with all of my heart because I'm a hopeful person. If there weren't good things in life there would be no books about them.
I'm getting angry though, in a progressive way, so that's a good thing because it means I'm moving out of depression a bit. At least I hope so. Although there are still days that I can't be bothered to move. If I wasn't already out of bed I'd still be there, those kinds of days.

I have read the first two books of the Twilight series in the past 5 or so days. I'm addicted. I hate it, this is the reason I stay away from things I know I'll like!! I get addicted and then I can't get rid of it and it's bad. So bad. It's taken over my mind and my life when I have to finish a book.
I've noticed I'm becoming more detached. It's a self protection, because if I don't let people attach I can't get hurt, and I will be because I hold people to such high expectations, even if it's that they won't reach them. That's even worse, when people do something I don't expect that is better than I expected because then my expectations just get going higher and bigger and I know that it won't help and that they will at some point falter and I will be let down again. So I've decided to separate myself from the people that I have found myself hurt by. Except it's not always convenient. And it doesn't always work.
So now I'm having a drink or two at Mercedes' apartment and letting myself be out of sorts and such because there's nothing much else to do about it other than write more of the story I'm writing. Oh, yeah, I'm writing again. Reading inspires me. Themes in this story are aliens, the beach, independence, abuse, ramen noodles, Big Gulps, computer graphics, punk rock, and ice cream, among other things. Get excited. When I have enough done to constitute a first part/chapter I may even post it.

Today Mom is coming up with the deposit so Holly and I can sign the lease for the apartment. Hey look, I'm nearly grown up!
Arturo and I keep having the same conversation and I want to hit him in the face.
No idea about the Marc thing anymore. He hasn't showed or contacted.
Ashlee Simpson speaks to my soul.
Well, I guess it's a good news post in a way, except I do realize that I have to read 5 articles for tomorrow and write a final proposal, as well as read more of that book, as well as try not to stress about court in a week.
The weekend was a time and a half. I don't want to speak of friday ever again, nor think on it, and saturday I threw Rikki a birthday party at Youdhi's apartment. He and his roommate were terribly kind in letting me, and it was quite a time. The apartment was packed and I didn't get to leave until 4am. That's a good party if I may have the right to declare.

Miley Cyrus will be the death of me.
I'm supposed to be apartment hunting with Holly and I think all of a sudden she's decided she doesn't want to live with me after all and that stressed me out more than the thought of having to work at finding a place to live.
I can't be friends with Arturo anymore and he won't let me go, which hurts more than he understands because I need my space so my heart can heal.
Marc is coming to visit in the next few weeks and I'm terrified but I need to see him, I need to see that he's not everything he could be so I can know that I deserve better, so I can really just get past it.
I miss people that are like me, you know, confrentational and easy going at the same time. As in don't really care about little problems and if you do you say it out loud and to their faces. Don't let boys get in the way of friendships. The kind of people that refresh your soul with a conversation. I need them.
Insomnia is back and yet I didn't want to get out of bed today. But I won't slip into that again, I can't. I have too much work to do. And Rik would kill me. I just can't wait to relax, I just don't know when that will be.

I'm back at NEC doing Jterm. I almost forgot how nice it can be to learn, weird as that sounds. But I am learning creative things and excelling apparently, considering I don't write abstract poems and I am doing extremely well with my artistic instinct having never taken 2 dimensional design. Advanced Poetry Workshop and Mixed Media Design agree with me I guess.
Next semester I was going to take 5 classes but I've cut back to 4 because I'm lazy. And I need money, and since mom already paid for all my schooling I will be getting a good sum back for dropping a class during Jterm and one during Spring Semester, both out of laziness and necessity. Because it's necessary to be lazy right now.
My new years resolution is a simple one that will be terribly hard to carry out. I'm allowing myself to feel whatever I want, whenever I want, with no logic to explain away my emotions and no censors. I'm going to be angry if I'm angry, and happy if I'm happy, and sad if I'm sad. I think this will help me defeat the basic monster I'm fighting, self loathing. There is no reason for it (I've decided) and I constantly base my self worth on how I think other people see me, which is rather stupid if you think about how I don't know how other people see me and if I do it's usually they love me and if I don't then obviously they don't count. So self acceptance is the goal of this year, and it will be hard. I am getting to know myself, the good and bad, and it's all coming out all over the place but I won't let other people's perceptions of me take me into that place of self destruction again because I can't afford to. It doesn't matter what I look like, or feel like, or act like. No matter what, I am better off alive and I do want to live.
So all that said, I've read The Sweet Far Thing and it was an extraordinary way to end the series and I highly recommend it to any teenage girl that loves a good three epic novels. I don't care if I'm 20, I still count. And I think Libba Bray is my hero, if only for that wonderful YouTube video.
Now, I'm going to go back to eating M&Ms and watching the third season of Alias because I am so happy with the episode where Vaughn, Sark, AND Will were each and every one super sexy.
Speaking of boys, I think I'll stop striving in that area. My family (of all people) would love for me to find a boyfriend so that I can be happy. Apparently I won't be happy without one. But the thing is, I'm slowly discovering how to be happy by myself and with God, and that is a journey that I cannot take with someone else holding my hand. It will be hard, but there's no one really worthy of my time in this area anyway. All the good ones are either taken, not here, or have me in the friend zone. So there's nothing I'm missing at the moment. :)

I'm trying desperately to go back to blond. It appears, though, that red takes some getting out. I'm going to do it though. It's going to happen.
I've also decided not to let my depression keep me in bed and immobalized through my break. It was never a good plan.
I miss school so bad right now. Well, maybe it's really just the friends I wish I could be seeing right now.
I love Raising Helen right now. And The Wedding Planner? Oh I am in heaven.

I cut my own bangs, not because it was spur of the moment and silly and stupid (though it was), but because I don't want him to find me attractive.
I'm sick of feeling like a dirty little secret when I'm not little or dirty. So why am I a secret?
This is the second time the heart I won't connect to has been ripped apart by someone that doesn't even have the right to touch it. Please stop.
That's what disconnection gets you. I no longer feel much at all, just anger and numbness. Maybe some lust at times. But that gets you nowhere so it's pushed aside.
There's a punching bag in the basement. Might have to get on that.

1. Tomorrow I need to spit out a 14 page paper on cannibalism. I'm so excited I could puke and possibly pee my pants a little bit. It's due on tuesday.
2. Sometimes I start to think of people as psychotic because of my forensics phsychology class and that's sorta dumb, don'tcha think? Just because he's charming and can't be alone doesn't mean a thing. Or maybe he's waiting to find that easy target.
3. I finally understand the situation where there is a person that is so sweet and funny and attractive and nice and stable, and it's so wonderful to be around such stability. But then there's the kid who is on the wrong side of danger, terribly insecure to the point of needing someone all the time, user, makes you mad on purpose to see you get riled up, and yet...the passion factor. But how long could a spark last? It wouldn't.
4. Jimmy Eat World is speaking to my soul tonight. Drugs or Me is my life. I swear. It's so cathartic.
5. I need to start working out again.
6. It's funny to yell in the middle of the cafateria "Dumbledore was GAY." But maybe not to your bff.
7. Friendships are wierd. I guess it's just because I'm so odd to everyone and they don't know what to do with me. I always seem to be much more normal when no one that knows me to be normal is around. It's terribly disheartening. I'm tired of being told I'm doing things wrong by talking. So I open my mouth, what of it? It's life! And apparently no one listens to me anyway so what does it matter? Why is it easier to point out my social awkwardness than all of your problems?
8. Getting drunk is no way to get over an ex. And drunk texting will get you denyed. Please note that. Dually.

I think that no matter what we all have a nuget of hope in ourselves, no matter what sort of front we put up. We always hope someone will prove us wrong, or that someone will prove us right.
It's tiring sometimes, being alive. I get tired.
What is it about a nice buzz that makes you crave wheat pasta but once you're eating it you wish you made easy mac?
Now I guess I've got to face it, nobody wants a shell. The outside and not what they are used to getting. Maybe some people are used to getting everything, body mind and soul, but I've got mine under wraps because the body is the only part I haven't lost or broken too badly yet. This shell of a person isn't empty.
Sleep is gone. Again.

I'm not addicted to nicotine because I hate the taste and the feeling, but I love having something to do with my hands and my mouth, and the good reason to go outside. I always used to feel like I was wasting the weather, like a kid playing inside when mom says to go and enjoy the day. Now I feel like I'm finally experiancing it. I had to sacrifice my health though, a few times, but ultimately it's the lesser of evils. The worst evils being the ones that aren't as easy to come by, they cost health and sanity instead of health and five dollars.
So she can look at people as though she's in love with them. I look at people right in the eye. Apparently that's something. Maybe it's the other people that look back right in the eyes, maybe that's the only sort that create chemistry. Maybe they are the only people that make me feel something, like a power surge through my arms and fingers, lighting me up from the inside. It's not comfort but it's addicting. It's useless and it's frightening.
I may have checked out, just decided not to work as much anymore, which is a bad idea but I couldn't care less really. Pressure makes me want to do everything wrong and sometimes I do without realizing.
At least I'm not in bed again. At least there's that.

Why is it a problem for a girl to flirt? It's not like other people don't do it all the time. And it's either flirt or bitch, take your pick. Either I leave you with a smile or a bitter taste in your mouth. I don't promise anything, I don't even imply, by sometimes a girl wants, no needs some attention. Obviously not getting it produces some odd things, and I just make sure I get some when I can in my own way (ie flirting).
Mom came up today and redid my dorm room. It's amazing, she got this super awesome chair that I'm afraid to sit in but will at some point, and a curtain, and a table, and a lamb, and so many other things actually. I'm so glad it was a good visit as well, she was nice and I was nice and it was good.
Bad news: Michelle's mom died. Not good. Need to be there, will be there ASAP.
Oh, and I need to do homework but you can't make me. I just feel so ornery.

So I guess the school is sending a letter home to tell the rents that I was at/involved in a ruckus of a party. Whatever.
My room smells like alcohol but since there has been no open alcohol in my room I suspect it is the nail polish remover on my windowsill that I spilt everywhere. That or something happened that I don't know about.
I'm on top of the homework as of now but could get more done. Won't though.
It's finally raining and cool. It's really nice out. But hell to try to smoke a butt in.
I can't believe all the trouble I wouldn't get into if I just stayed in my room, sniffing nail polish remover. Friends are supposed to be worth it, but I keep finding that I'm gaining less and learning that everything I do is wrong. That I'm always wrong. And that I can't, or just won't accept. Love means doing what is best for the person and not what makes them feel ok, not what allows them to cope. Always having someone's back doesn't mean that you deny the truth, it means you tell them the truth in love.
I can't even believe all that's going on. Can't even believe it. I can handle it, but I can't accept it quite yet.
And I really REALLY want to know what the smell is in my room.
Oh, and there's a boy. But that's all. He's just there right now. We'll see.

It seems that bad things happen in Threes.
Corrine died this summer.
Grandpa died Sunday.
Himank died Monday.
This is not fair. What's really not fair is trying to keep it from me to keep me from getting upset. I can handle this, it's not hard. I mean, it is, but I'm more than willing to grieve. You just have to let me.

School is ok. Classes are interesting, lots of reading to do. My room is still not unpacked and I think I'm going to finish with the clothes then put anything still in boxes under the bed. Oh, and I still need a loan but can't get ahold of my mother so it's not happening yet. I'm really mad about that.
Vegitarianism is working out alright.
I'm tired but just because I go to bed late to make sure I'll sleep. No insomnia thus far, just the normal shiz.

1. I'm out of camp. That was a job and a half. 24/7 watching children. Well, I had some fun too.

2. Time to go back to school. I go back on sunday. I'm excited because I'm living across from Holly and near the suite. But I'm going to be so busy it's not even funny. I need to actually read all my books and do things. It'll be hard without help from chemicals but I quit all that.

3. Speaking of quitting, it's really hard and I feel like a failure.

4. I'm reading a really good book. Skinny Bitch. It's the shizz.

5. Can't think of anything else to say yet.

I am officially 20 years old.
My birthday was good. I was completely zoned out for most of it. I got a cake from work, it was wonderful.
I'm already beginning to think about the end of the summer and how afraid I am of losing the things I've gained, friends in particular. I am trying really hard to do the best at my job that I can and to keep on seeking God and all good things he provides, but sometimes I'm just so sure I'm going to relapse. I've come so close and there's no one to talk to about it and that makes it all that much harder. I'm so tired, and this weekend I was almost back in bed for eternity and I don't want to ever have that happen again. I need to figure this out, it's getting hard to deal with all the pressure and it's not going to let up so it's got to be dealt with soon as possible.

I'm just so fucking tired.